I Need An Abortion
Thank you to the brave woman who shared this story with us. Out of respect for her privacy, we will maintain her anonymity.
The summer I was 20 years old, I was living my life in total freedom, or so I thought. I had been dating my boyfriend for eight months. We were happy and I saw we could have a future marriage and family together, but just not at that time.
I was late getting my period, deep down I knew I was pregnant.
I was a very fearful person…fearful of people not liking me, fearful of being a disappointment to anyone. I had been raised by an alcoholic mother and an emotionally-absent father. I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for something bad to happen. I was conditioned to never rock the boat and I never felt safe sharing my thoughts or opinions for fear of being yelled at and judged.
“I was late getting my period, deep down I knew I was pregnant.”
I was conditioned to believe that other people’s happiness was more important than my own. I did not have Jesus in my life but I always had the sense that God could see me and knew me. I didn’t understand Jesus loved me and wanted a relationship with me. I filled my existence with people-pleasing and looking for love from people. I tried to fill the void in my heart and numb my depression and anxiety with partying and unhealthy behaviors.
It was July and my boyfriend and I spent a lot of time partying and living it up. We had just had a big bash at his house and I was waiting until after the party to tell him I thought I might be pregnant for fear of ruining his good time.
I had bought a pregnancy test. The line indicating a pregnancy appeared instantly.
I had expected it to be positive, but of course I was hoping it wouldn’t be. I showed him the result and got a lot of silence. Silence was terrible to me because silence meant rejection. We didn’t talk about how we were feeling, about having a baby.
A few days later we drove around looking at houses to rent. I was still living with my parents but spent most nights at his house so moving in together seemed ok to me. I was surprised he was thinking about living together—he didn’t tell me he wanted the baby and I didn’t tell him what I wanted either.
As we were looking at those houses, a big black cloud loomed over my head, there was a somber feeling. I sensed no joy in a future together because my boyfriend acted disappointed at the situation. He continued in his silence and I was afraid to create conflict so I left the subject alone. I didn’t know what to do with all my emotions so I stuffed them down and acted nonchalant. I didn’t want to mess things up with him.
“...a big black cloud loomed over my head...”
The next several days I felt very depressed and alone. I went to my ob/gyn and he congratulated me on the pregnancy. I didn’t feel like being congratulated, I wanted to cry and be hugged. I wanted someone to ask me how I was feeling and what my thoughts were about my situation. I was not told how far along I was. The doctor didn’t ask me how I felt about being pregnant or about any concerns I may have had.
I had many fears about the pregnancy: my drinking and smoking, being 20 years old and unmarried, living in my parents’ house, not having a college degree and lacking the resources to care for a child. I still felt like a child myself. I kept all of these feelings inside and the devil used these fears to persuade me to just “get rid of the problem”, to think “I need an abortion”.
“ I didn’t feel like being congratulated, I wanted to cry and be hugged.”
Two of my closest friends had already had abortions; they seemed perfectly fine afterward. I believed the lie that if you abort early enough, the baby is just a “clump of cells”. Deep down I knew that I had a child growing inside of me. I stuffed my conscience down and refused to listen to the Holy Spirit. I thought it would be easier to “dispose of the problem” than to confront my fears.
I told my mother and a couple of friends that I was pregnant and was met with more silence. I had become very numb and had resolved in my heart that I had no support in keeping the baby.
One morning I could not sleep so I got up very early and went outside to sit on the steps of my boyfriend’s house. It was there that I made the final decision to abort.
“I had become very numb and had resolved in my heart that I had no support in keeping the baby. ”
When my boyfriend awoke, I told him. He just said, “Ok.” No debating, no what-ifs. I immediately called an abortion facility near my parents’ home and scheduled an appointment. Once I had made up my mind, I wanted to do it as soon as possible. I believed the earlier in the pregnancy I aborted, the less guilty I would feel.
The day came and my boyfriend and I did not talk at all about how the thought or act of abortion made either of us feel, what we thought of our future together or how we viewed our child. Just more silence. I felt totally alone, like I was on an island.
To Be Continued…
